3.27.2012

struggles.

I'm struggling.
I have never been so overwhelmed with stress in my life.
I graduate in less than 2 months and I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.
I spent 4 years in college studying education & I dont want to be a teacher.
I feel like I wasted all this time. 
I feel like I'm being forced to make a life changing decision in a short period of time.
I'm terrified.
I've never been this out of shape in my life & I HATE it.
I know I'm not fat, but I cant stand not being able to work out regularly.
I'm constantly exhausted.
I go to bed SO early all of the time now,
And I always wonder if I'm going to regret it,
and feel like I' m wasting my last year of college being a grandma.
But I literally cant help it, I'm just so tired.
I miss seeing my friends all of the time.
I miss knowing who my true friends were.
I miss going to church.
I havent been in such a long time,
I honestly think that's why i've been handling my stress so bad lately.
I've been scared to go ever since my uncle passed away.
You would think it would be the opposite,
It's like going there reminds me of where he is.
But I dont like being reminded of him because I become so full of sadness.
I have no money & no income right now & I'm being cut off the second I get my diploma.
I'm not ready.
I hate the fact that I'm typing this...
because I know I am SO incredibly blessed.
and I know that I have so much to be thankful for.
I'm thankful that my parents have given me the opportunity to get a college education.
I'm thankful that I'm healthy and have the ability to run and be active.
I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to put a smile on kids faces every day.
I'm thankful that I have a place to sleep and food to eat every day.
I'm thankful for the loving & positive people in my life.
I'm thankful for my mom, for teaching me how to treat others, for always listening, & for always having the best advice.
I'm thankful for my dad, for showing me how a man should treat me, & always putting a smile on my face.
I'm thankful for my big sister, we're so different but I look up to her so much, and cant imagine my life without her.
I'm thankful for Kyle, he truly knows me better than anyone, and loves me unconditionally.
I'm thankful for hard times, without them we'd never appreciate the good ones.
I'm thankful for God's saving grace, and everlasting love.
I'm thankful.



Sorry for all of the deepness.
I was having a rough night & needed to vent.
I was really questioning if I should post this or not.
But I figured, I made this blog for ME not for anyone else,
So if typing something out to vent helps me, then I'm gonna do it!
I hope all of yall have a wonderful day!
Yay Monday is OVER!
<3

21 comments:

  1. Monica, I think it takes a lot of courage to admit that you don't love the career path that you are on. I felt the same way when I graduated with a B.S. in Biology( and was forced to become financially independent like you) as I headed to a grad program in Virology. It took me a year after that to muster the courage to admit that I wasn't happy! Then I quit a Ph.D. program,yes quit, I know right! Moved back to my home state and got a job. (everyone was like- have you lost your mind?!?) But I worked for a year and then started to look at different fields within biology ( not viruses this time, they were actually incredibly boring) and realized I really liked something else. So I applied to other schools, got into one and am currently happy and about to hold a degree in a field of science I actually am interested in-studying cells. Sorry for the long story but I wanted to show that I get it and you just have to trust yourself and God to lead you something that will make you happy. And having a fabulous boy along for the ride helps ( as you seem to have)... I just married my sophomore year lab partner :-) Practically speaking, if you can work as a teacher while you figure out what you would most love to do- that would be ideal. Good luck!

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  2. I think everyone goes through that period of time where they don't know what they want to do and then they feel like their degree is wasted. A degree is never wasted though! My fiance got a degree in sport management - tried it out for a year and hated it - now he's in the railroad industry and loves it! You can do whatever it is you want to do and as long as it makes you happy who cares:) The people that love you will be happy if you are happy! Wake up on Sunday and go to church - I bet you will feel better and you can start a brand new week on a high note:) Chin up, buttercup!

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  3. Oh sweet friend. As the ladies ahead of me said, we pretty much all go through this struggle. I was right there where you are. And the only advice I can give is to BREATHE. To give it to God. He will not left you fail. He is so good and has an amazing plan for us. And you know what... its OKAY to not know where you will go, what career, etc. It's okay to be a grandma. You will have plenty of opportunities to have your life back. Hard work pays off. You can always play later :) Keep your head up. <3

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  4. It is okay to be 2 months from graduation and not want to have a career in what you studied. This May I will have graduated from college 3 years ago. Do I have a career in my major? Yes and no. Did having a degree in something else then what I am not doing hurt me? Absolutely not! A degree is a degree. If you now told me you wanted to be a doctor then maybe I would say you have to redo your undergrad. There must have been something that you enjoyed about education that made you major in it! Maybe you can use that to find another career path. Graduating in these times is hard, jobs are hard to come by but as long as you keep your head held high and try as hard as you can, something will come about.

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  5. Friend, this was a great post. So many people have these feelings of doubt & insecurity when it comes to their career. I know I sure did. But, through prayer and faith, it all comes together without you even expecting it. Give your best every day and one day what you are doing now, might turn into the career you always wanted without even knowing it.

    Hang in there, girl! It all gets better :)

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  6. DOn't let your spirits down with these thoughts. I think everyone who graduates passes through that. It's probably your turning point ... to becoming a more "composed You" :)

    I graduated with Secondary Education but I never thought of becoming a teacher too. I've only realized that I actually love my job in my 4th year of teaching. I don't only have regrets that I have taken this course but also I am very happy that I took it. I found fulfillment in teaching :)

    Good Luck to you, keep believing, focus, stay positive, good things are coming your way. :)

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  7. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It's really common to feel so overwhelmed and anxious when the end of college is so near. I totally understand the whole "feeling like I wasted time" bit about college. But the good thing is, whether you use your degree for teaching or for something, ANYTHING else, you are still educated. College teaches so much more than what you can learn from books. You learn to be an adult "with training wheels," I like to say. I PROMISE you, it gets better. I know it's scary right now, but you WILL come out on the other side just fine. And I'll be praying for you, for what's to come after college, for income and that you'll find your path back to church and feel comfortable. Hugs!

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  8. Oh, honey, everyone feels this way. Life just bogs us down sometimes, but I think you know how to get yourself back on track- And obviously this feeling you have won't last forever :) You just keep on truckin' girl. You have wonderful friends, family and your blogger friends to get you through.

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  9. Trust me when I say this "IT WILL GET BETTER" not right away, maybe not for a few months. But it will. and you'll look back on this time and be so proud of how strong you were and how much fight you had in you, that you got through it. That you picked yourself up and pushed through the sadness, the confusion, the stress and GOT THROUGH IT. Keep ya head up...

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  10. Even when it feels like EVERYTHING is going wrong, we haev to remember there is still a plan for us. I know it's hard to think that way, but I'm sending some hugs and prayers your way girl!!!

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  11. The stress of student teaching sometimes gets the better of you. Any time spent on a college degree isn't time wasted. The best thing you can do is start looking for some kind of job right now, so you'll have income when you graduate, even if it's not teaching. Then you can decide if you want to go into another field. I feel ya on the church issue! I can't find one I like so I tend to just stop going. I hope your week gets better :)

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  12. If it makes you feel any better I graduated almost six years ago and I STILL have no idea what I want to do with my life or career. I don't work in the field I got my degree in, I don't make nearly as much money as I should/could if I did, and I don't have a job that makes me feel good. I guess that might sounds more depressing than helpful, but at least know that SO many people go through this. You are not alone! I will say that the stress and exhaustion should get better. Wrapping up college is exhausting mentally and physically sometimes, and I can't say graduating will be an instant fix, but it will get better!

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  13. It's amazing what can happen when you cast all your anxieties on HIM! I have that first quote as the background to my computer right now :)

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  14. You're not alone! I graduated last May with a degree in English and aspirations to be an author and I'm still struggling with my decision. It's hard when your degree doesn't come with a built in career (or in your case, if you change your mind about what type of career you want to pursue).
    But don't worry! Think about it this way: college isn't necessarily meant to train you for one specific job...it's supposed to broaden your horizons and teach you how to problem solve creatively and think in different ways. No matter what your major was, a degree is valuable so don't consider it a waste of time.
    I hope you can carve out some time in your schedule to work out and get back to church! I can relate with both of these as well...sometimes they're the first things to go when you're feeling overwhelmingly busy. But don't forget you have to take care of yourself first! :) Maybe squeeze in some yoga to get some exercise AND relaxation at the same time?
    Best of luck in your final months of college! Try to let some of the stress go and enjoy it at least a little bit :)

    Andrea
    Left brain, right brain, pug brain.

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  15. I am so glad you posted this! I am a Junior in college, majoring in graphic design, and I've recently realized that I don't want to be a graphic designer... well, not the type of designer they are training me to be. I feel as though I am stuck in the same rut as you. Who wants to be stuck in a job that you don't love for the rest of your life? I don't! "If you love your job, you'll never have to work a day in your life!" Figure out what your passions are and explore how you can incorporate them into your work life. I guess we both need to realize that we can't force life and can't force our future. We have to relinquish control to God and understand that he will direct us down the right path eventually, even though we feel as though it is hopeless. Stay strong, girl... ENJOY life and the little time left you have being in college. We will all look back at these days and wish they had lasted longer. I hope to hear from you soon!
    xo -Bo

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  16. loves you, sissy poo! dont be stressed! it will all work out! i remember being very VERY stressed out right before i graduated, so i know how you're feeling! just try not to let it get the best of you!

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  17. Sending happy thoughts your way!

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  18. We are on the same boat, sista! Everything is going to be okay. God doesn't give you struggles you can't handle/ overcome. Don't let your heart be heavy. Leave it all in His hands! You have people that love you and that is all that matters in the end!!

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  19. Hang in there! I remember feeling this EXACT way when I was getting ready to graduate last year. Remember to just breathe and go easy on yourself. You're doing great. You don't have to have things figured out yet. Most of us don't! =) Make the most of the time you have with your friends. Do meaningful things with them in the next couple of months and try to be stress-free. We are young. We have plenty of time to figure it all out. Church totally helps. I didn't go for the entire four years that I was in college and now that I'm back into it, it really does make a world of a difference. You're not alone, girl! We've all been there! Remember that and it may help you feel less alone.

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  20. As I was reading your post I thought for almost a split second I was reading something that I had written. I am in the exact. Literally, I think..position. I graduated last May, but we don't get certified until we are done this May {in teaching} and I question so many days if this is for me. I don't know if I should just try to make it work, or do something else. I know you may hate typing things like that, but those are the moments when we learn, grow, and really figure out things. I love your honestly and I love this post. You will figure it out because what's meant to be will always, always find it's way to you. Just have to trust in your gut and know it will all work out. Praying for you. xoxo

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  21. I am so behind on blogs, and I know this was a few days ago, but I wanted to tell you I am thinking about you during this... and as cliche as it is to say, I think it is something we all struggle with, but nobody wants to talk about. I commend you for getting it out in the open. Not everything is butterflies and roses 24/7, but "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and I think everyone needs to be reminded of that once in while.
    I hope things get better, or at least more certain for you!

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