11.23.2016


Top: WindsorStore | Vest: Tobi | Jeans: CottonOn | Booties: Zara

Thanksgiving is tomorrow - 
and I was going to write up this perfect little post about everything i'm thankful for and how blessed I am and how thankful I am for everyone and everything in my life.... 
Of course skipping over all of the bumps in the road that Kyle and I have endured this year.
BUT instead of pretending like everything's perfect and chatting about how happy I am, 
I figured I'd be R E A L with all of y'all instead. 

And if i'm being completely open and honest, life has been a little hard lately.
No one ever warns you that your mid to late twenties will be some of the toughest years of your life.
Talk about growing pains y'all.
Kyle and I are definitely in a transitioning period, and well, 
it hasn't been as easy breezy as we had planned.

[This post was actually typed up a few months ago, but I wasn't brave enough to share it. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, or thinking that i'm complaining.
This post was written in hopes that someone could relate and know that they aren't alone. As i've gotten older i've learned that it's much better to be human and be open about your struggles rather than hiding them -- because you never know who's struggling with the exact same thing, and could use a friend to lean on.
So here it goes...]


It's a scary thing --- making that decision.
 The decision to grow your family, to bring life into this world.  

At the beginning, I kind of just thought it would happen, ya know.
I mean it's pretty easy right? 
You get off whatever birth control you're on and do the thing, and 
WABOOM
There's a baby in your belly.

I have always heard about infertility, about people struggling to get pregnant.
Of course, my heart went out to them.
But that would never happen to me. 
I'm healthy, and active, and I mean - I've always wanted to be a mom. 
I mean, half my friends got pregnant without even blinking, 
so I'm bound to get pregnant the first time I try, right?

It's funny --- when you make the choice to have a baby...
You start thinking of how you're going to tell people.
How you're going to tell your husband, your mom, your best friend.
You think of how surprised and excited everyone is going to be.
You picture all of this in your head and it fills your entire being with SO much joy.

The first few months are all fun and games.
When I saw that little negative sign, 
or those big letters spelling out "NOT pregnant"...
I didn't let it get to me too much,
I just went on with my life, and figured it would happen the next month.

During those first months,
you'll have friends get pregnant.
You'll laugh and cry and celebrate with them, knowing in the back of your mind -
that you will have a baby of your own soon and they will be the best of friends.
A few more months will go by,
and you'll see pregnancy announcements and baby announcements all over social media.
You'll smile and feel so happy for the couple who's pregnant,
but deep down you can't help but feel sadness and wonder why it hasn't happened for you yet,
and then you'll quickly push aside that sadness because you know it's selfish.
But i'm finally realizing that it's okay to feel sad.
It's okay to want a family of your own.
It's okay to be jealous of women who get pregnant naturally and quickly,
we're humans, and all of those feelings are normal.
It's okay. 

Fast forward to over a year later,
that little negative sign, and those big letters spelling out "NOT pregnant",
seem to have a much stronger effect.
In fact, they're absolutely devastating. 

But with all that being said, I know I serve a God whose timing is perfect, 
I do have times where i'm sad and frustrated,
I'm not naive, I do know there are people that have been trying MUCH longer than I have.
I do know there are big things going on in the world and in peoples lives that
are far more serious than this issue that Kyle and I are currently facing.

But the thing is - we're all human, we all have struggles.
Social media and the way people portray their lives on there isn't real.
If you just scrolled through my Instagram you would never know that we've
been struggling to get pregnant or that my house is an utter disaster 98% of the time,
or that I absolutely suck at cooking,
[literally made my husband easy mac & crescent rolls the other night]

It doesn't matter who you are or where you're from,
we've all got something we're dealing with.
And I think instead of being ashamed or embarrassed of our problems,
or struggles, or downfalls...
Why not share them and embrace the fact that those are what make us human.

So this Thanksgiving, although it's different than how I pictured it would be,
I'm thankful.
I'm thankful for my true friends, i'm thankful for my families health, i'm thankful for the people I work with and how they always make me laugh, I'm thankful for the patience Kyle has with me, I'm thankful for dogs, because Lord knows the love they give is one of a kind.

and I'm thankful for struggles, because without them, we would never grow stronger or be able to appreciate all of the amazing little things that we so often take for granted. 

Happy Thanksgiving y'all. 

5 comments:

  1. Praying for you and Kyle. Have a good Thanksgiving!

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  2. Praying for you sweet lady! Long story short-- We struggled to get pregnant, were told we had less then 1% chance of concieving on our own, did three rounds of IUI (which all failed), had exploratory surgery, spent a ton of money, lots and lots and lots of tears, felt called to adopt- did our home study- made our profile book, and woke up pregnant one morning 😳. And then got pregnant with a surprise baby 8 months after our daughter was born 😳😳.

    Infertility is HARD and feels so lonely - especially when it seems all of your friends are getting pregnant with no issues. I got so bitter that I wanted to scream every time someone told me "it will happen in gods timing," I was sick of waiting! When people would talk about what a blessing it was to be pregnant I felt like "am I doing something wrong - why isn't this happening for us?" ... On top of it all I'm a case worker at a teen pregnancy shelter 😳. All of this to say- while I wish it wasn't something you or anyone else had to experience... Looking back now, I wouldn't take back a second of our wait because God knew the exact right time for our babies to come into our lives and our relationships and faith grew so much in that trial. Regardless- infertility is heartbreaking- the first month, the 24th month... Doesn't matter! I'm praying for you! If you ever need to chat or vent - email away- I had some good friends that experienced infertility and they were a huge help in getting me through the hard days.

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  3. Hey Monica, It took two years to get pregnant with my son. It was frustrating. After two years of trying, I just happened to meet up with a friend and she told me to put a pillow under my behind and stay still after the 'act' for five-ten minutes and it would happen. Well it happened right away. You encourage me through your words in that your faith is strong. Thank you for your honesty. May God wrap his loving arms around you and your husband and give you peace and comfort through this trying time in your lives.

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  4. Praying for you guys, girl. Thank you for being so open and transparent. I know it's not easy to realize now but this will only make you guys stronger! Prayers.

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  5. Monica, I'm so sorry to hear about your struggle. I have lost two pregnancies. I went on birth control for a few years after the last one. After a few years we decided to try again. I went off the pill and 7 months went by. My periods were all over the place and were getting very painful and heavy. I finally caved and saw an obgyn. He did an ultrasound and both ovaries were covered in cysts. He wanted to do a laparoscopic surgery. I had late stage 3 endometriosis and almost all of my pelvic area and bowels were covered in cysts and endometriomas. He cleared it all out and said if I wanted to get pregnant to start trying soon. I was terrified to try. I was afraid of more negative tests or another miscarriage. I spent the next month healing from surgery, praying about it, doing research and a whole lot of crying. I decided to give it one last go. I got pregnant the first cycle and am currently over 6 months. Everything is going well this time and baby is healthy. I just wanted to share my story with you. Sometimes things don't happen when we want them to but that doesn't mean it won't happen. Stay strong and don't give up.

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