(photo taken at 9 weeks)

So the glorious day has come to an end,
the day you saw those two lines, or the words “yes+” or “pregnant” on that stick…
The day you may or may not have realized,
 “oh my freaking gosh, I’m going to be a mom”

The day I got my positive pregnancy test was easily one of the most
emotional/exciting/shocking/happiest days of my life.
It ranked up there with the proposal & wedding day.
But then there are those days/weeks/months to follow that no one really talks about,
The First Trimester.

Before you get pregnant, at least before I did,
I had a picture in my head of what my pregnancy would be like.
Whenever I envisioned the first trimester, all I pictured was
 happiness & extreme excitement, maybe a little nerves, but mostly positive thoughts,
and of course lots of planning and so much excitement and eagerness to share the good news.

Well my friends…although my first trimester was full of happiness,
it was also full of fear, worry, negative thoughts, and guilt….
Basically just a bunch of things that aren’t fun and that no one likes to talk about or admit to feeling.

I remember the first few days I felt like I couldn’t be excited,

it was too early, anything could happen.

I remember the first few days I also felt a sense of guilt,

I didnt “feel” like I always thought I would feel.

I didn’t immediately feel like a mom, I didn’t feel connected to this tiny thing growing inside of me.

I remember the first 9 days after finding out, I would always say to myself…

“Even if something bad does happen, at least I know now that I CAN get pregnant”

And then came the 10th day….

All I did was cry, I felt SO anxious and terrified all day long.

That “tiny thing” that was growing inside of me was no longer a “thing” 

it was now e v e r y t h i n g.

On the 10th day I felt like a mom, on the 10th day all I could do was worry.

That feeling of “Even if something bad does happen it’ll be okay” was quickly replaced with

“I can’t lose this baby. Lord, please protect my baby”

SIDE NOTE: I’m not saying that this will happen on the 10th day for everyone. Hell, some of you may immediately have that feeling once you see that positive test, and for some it may come later. And guess what? No matter when it happens for you, IT’S NORMAL and completely OKAY!

I never knew that once I came to the realization that this was all real and happening,
 I would immediately be filled with fear of losing my baby and it all ending too quickly.
Fear consumed my mind pretty steadily the first few weeks,
which made those first weeks of my pregnancy SO hard to enjoy.

Thankfully, I had people to talk too and confide in and they had really great words of advice for me.
I was reminded that fear and worry don’t come from the Lord,
If (God forbid) something bad was going to happen, like losing the baby,
the Lord wouldn’t prepare me by filling me with fear/worry.
That’s just not how God works.
I was also reminded by a sweet friend who was also pregnant,
that I won’t ever get these first few weeks of being newly pregnant [with my first babe] back ever again.
So soak it all up, enjoy it, and push fear and worry to the side until there’s REALLY a reason for it.

Being able to talk to people so early on during my pregnancy was HUGE for me.
I know a lot of people frown upon sharing the news until you’re further along,
but I chose to tell (pretty much) all of our family almost right away,
and I don’t regret it one bit.

Being able to vocalize my fears with women and people other than my husband was extremely therapeutic.
I was SO blessed to have a friend who was also pregnant with her first baby,
but a little further along than me to talk too and share my thoughts and worries with.
She was a HUGE comfort to me and I am unbelievably grateful I had her.

I guess my reasoning for this post was just to shed some light on the fears
that come along with the first trimester, that maybe not everyone deals with,
but for those of us that do it’s nice not to feel alone,
 and to have someone help encourage you to get past those fears and put your trust in the Lord.

Just know that feeling afraid is normal,
BUT it’s not good for you or the baby.
So whatever you gotta do to help you relax, DO IT.
Pray, do yoga, call your mom, take a {safely warm} bath.
Whatever it is, figure out what calms you and keep on keepin’ on!
Your body will typically make it VERY clear if something is wrong,
so until that happens push all the worrying to the side and
ENJOY the amazing life growing inside of you.

I’m writing this post with a heart so grateful and so full…

There’s so much I want to say to all of you,

to those of you who’ve prayed for us and with us, 

for those who have opened up to me and shared your struggles,

for those who have come to me and shared your story.

Thank you.

If there’s one thing I know for sure,

There is power in prayer.

Kyle and I have been trying to start a family for about two years now.
I’m aware, two years may sound like nothing to some of you.
But when you want something SO badly…two years feels like a lifetime.
Two years of trying, two years of negative tests,
two years of watching others post baby announcements and live out your dream of starting a family.
During those two years I made multiple appointments.
The first appointment wasn’t until after the first year of trying,
I went to my obgyn and expressed my feelings of concern.
I told her we’d been trying for a year
 and I was afraid and worried that it hadn’t happened for us yet.
She quickly laughed, She said “You’re young and healthy”,
 “I’m sure you’re fine, just keep trying for a few more months”
Well that wasn’t exactly the answer I was looking for,
I wanted a baby NOW.
I left the appointment feeling discouraged and frustrated.

Fast forward to a few more months of trying and failing.
Then there were the months of completely giving up hope and not “trying or tracking” at all,
but secretly hoping it would happen since we “weren’t trying” anymore.
Nope that didn’t work either.
After a couple more months I decided I just wanted to go straight to a specialist,
I made two appointments with two different specialists and each one had to be cancelled because of something getting in the way.
Which was extremely frustrating.
I just wanted some answers.

After more thought, I decided I just needed to switch to a different obgyn,
within 2 months I had made 4 different appointments to visit an obgyn
and figure out what’s going on with my body….
Every single time the appointment would roll around,
something would come up and I would have to cancel.
This happened 4 times y’all, F O U R.
I finally realized that this couldn’t be a coincidence and it had to be God.

Was this God’s way of telling me to just stop and be still and trust in Him?
I went back and forth and talked to loved ones and
couldn’t figure out what this meant or why this kept happening.
Why did I keep having to cancel these appointments that I wanted to happen SO badly.
What was Gods plan? I just couldn’t make sense of any of it.
About a month later I decided to attempt to make an appointment again.
On June 7th I finally arrived at my appointment.
The doctor was great, very friendly, and very proactive.
I shared our story with him and he was honest with me and told me that from what he hears,
It sounds like a classic case of unexplained infertility,
but of course he wouldn’t know for sure until we started digging deeper.
He encouraged me to start taking prenatals again.
(I was taking them for a while, but had stopped because I was so frustrated and discouraged)
We set up an appointment the following month for me to get my uterus/tubes checked,
and he referred a place for Kyle to get checked out as well.
I FINALLY had a plan of action, we were finally going to get some answers.
I immediately went to the store and bought me some prenatals,
I was so thrilled to have a plan and answers to look forward too!

That month crept by slowly, but I was still so happy to have a plan of action.
Even if we didn’t have a baby soon, We would have answers.
Fast forward to about nine days before my appointment….
On Monday, June 26th around 9am,
I fell to the ground in shock, sobbing, gasping for air, and praising Jesus.
God had finally answered our prayers, 
those little tests that often brought so much pain and heartache
finally read a big YES+.

I could not believe it, Was I dreaming? Is this real?

All of those cancelled appointments made so much more sense now.
If we would have started this process when I wanted it to start,
we would’ve wasted so much time and money,
and honestly probably would’ve been left with no answers and more frustration.
It’s amazing how God works.
His plans for our lives are FAR FAR greater than our own.
He allowed me to finally go to an appointment because he KNEW
that I needed it emotionally.
By going to that appointment I received the promise of answers and hope for my future,
By going to that appointment I started taking prenatals and better care of myself,
Going to the appointment helped me become in a better physical and emotional state
for the baby that I had no earthly idea that was already growing inside of me.

It was a long and frustrating two years of waiting,
but God worked on me in SO many ways during those two years.
I needed more time to grow, I needed time to make mistakes and learn from them,
I needed time to figure out who I was.
Looking back, I really wasn’t ready for a baby.
Gods timing really is perfect,
He knows our hearts and our needs SO much better than we do.

Kyle and I are [totally still in shock] absolutely thrilled to become
Mommy and Daddy to this sweet baby BOY that God has chosen for us.