So many of you have wanted an update or more details on what’s going on with us as far as infertility. I SO badly wish I could share every detail with y’all but I need and want to be respectful of Kyle (who is a much more private person than I am) so I will always keep some of the details private. There is also big part of me that’s always holding back and super hesitant to share since we have one baby already. I know there are so many of you who would die for just one baby. And because of this I’m always nervous to share…However, our pain of wanting another is still here. Wanting another does not make us ungrateful for the one we have. We KNOW that Hayes is a complete miracle and we can’t even put into words how grateful we are that God chose us for him. From the messages I have received I know that so many of you are thankful when I do share what’s going on with us, it honestly might be my most asked about topic …
so today I’m choosing to share.
On May 29th we went through with our very first IUI. I was SO hopeful, I just knew that this was it, this was our answer, this was going to give us our baby(ies)!!! I felt super happy & excited & hopeful the following days. I was analyzing every pinch, cramp & possible symptom. I had a quick video appointment with the fertility specialist the following week. I was told it was going to just be a quick “progesterone consult” so I decided Kyle could watch Hayes while I talked to her. Long story short, it was a lot more than a quick progesterone consult, it was moreso her telling me that it’s VERY unlikely that the IUI worked..she’s very concerned with “____” & “_____” and then she went on to suggest IVF. I just started sobbing. I was furious that she couldn’t have told us it was unlikely to work before we actually did it. It felt like such a huge waste of time, money & just an entire week of TRULY believing this was it. I can’t tell y’all how often I dreamed about twin girls just from the moment we started seeing a specialist and knew twins could be a possibility, like I could literally SEE THEM. I was so sad & so so angry. And SO defeated, because IVF just isn’t an option for us right now.
It honestly felt like a huge slap in the face, we were finally taking a BIG step towards a possible baby & everything was going so smoothly and perfect and then BAM it was like I got sucker punched in the stomach. After a full day of feeling sad I realized it’s going to be okay, we serve a God of miracles and i’m trusting that He has babies for us SOMEWHERE. He did completely surprise us with Hayes out of the blue after all. We’re planning on getting a 2nd opinion soon, & just taking a breather. Today was my “test day” & although I was so angry and sad and confused last week after she told me our chances I’m really thankful that I found out then and got out all of my feelings, because somehow this morning the negative didn’t sting quite as much. Gods plan is bigger. I’m choosing to trust Him during all of this. My prayer for those of you that are going through similar heartache is that you also choose to GENUINELY trust in His plan. That you lean on your partner and not away from him even though this heartache may affect you both differently. Praying that if you’re like me & you have a baby already that you use this time to POUR into him/her and soak in every bit of one on one time possible. Praying if you’re empty handed and aching so badly for a baby in your arms that you are reminded that God gave you those desires in your heart for a baby for A REASON. He sees you. For those who have lost babies, my heart is with you…I truly can’t imagine that pain. It’s hard because there are no perfect words, there is nothing I can say to make your journey easier, I wish so badly I could promise you a baby but I can’t. Just know that you aren’t alone in this, whatever your pain looks like. I know all of our stories and experiences are different but we are definitely part of a “club” together, a club that none of us want to be a part of…but gosh I’m thankful I’m not in this club completely alone.
Thank you for your prayers and kind words and encouragement over the last few weeks. Some days are good and others aren’t, and that’s okay / to be expected. My current prayer request for us specifically is that the new doctor we are seeing next week has answers for us and doesn’t give up or give us more bad news. It would be AMAZING if he were to tell us “oh that’s an easy fix” and give us some suggestions on what to do. No telling what he will say, but gosh it would be good to hear some good news!!
